TROLLEY KINGDOM

“Bruv, if you let me stand on your tray I’ll be able to see what’s happening over...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 20:30:27 +0100

“Bruv, if you let me stand on your tray I’ll be able to see what’s happening over the fence, innit.”

Captured on university grounds in North London, a pair of trolleys known for their odd yet harmless anti-social behaviour have been drawn to a fence. It is either business or blunderbuss curiosity that has brought them here. Most likely the latter. The pair became known to residents as ‘Laurel and Hardy’ after The Guardian ran a piece about how they stole loose stones from the walls of a church and sold them as pet rocks at the local fair.

Location: North London, United Kingdom

Submitted by canoeface

“I may have lost the will but I’m not road kill.” As...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 20:30:35 +0100

“I may have lost the will but I’m not road kill.”

As confronting as this video is, it is not unusual for trolleys to confront motor vehicles in the hope of crashing the human drivers. There is no recorded success for trolleys in this respect. Here, two ice-high trolleys challenge some humans, hoping the veil of night will work to their advantage. Their strength is mostly hallucinatory, obviously.

Location: Tuggerah, NSW, Australia

Submitted by glen gustard

“Are you fixing to be a stool or dressed to impress sweetheart?” A very ordinary boy...

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:30:00 +0100

“Are you fixing to be a stool or dressed to impress sweetheart?”

A very ordinary boy bumps into a girl. Takes her home. It happens all the time. What this tourist trolley does not know is that this backless chair is head of a trend that popped up in Notting Hill in 2012. What this backless chair doesn’t know is that a certain breed of trolley is attracted to such seats, a breed you experience most days, a breed you wish you could never know.

Location: Notting Hill, London

Submitted by canoeface

“When I’m down from here, I’m going to fry those Fitzgerald...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 20:30:28 +0100

“When I’m down from here, I’m going to fry those Fitzgerald brothers.”

Arguably the most infamous trolley picture, Peter Drysdale (pictured, impaled) and the Fitzgerald Brothers clashed over ownership of a meteorite that crashed into a ambiguously owned field in Queensland in 2009. Previously, Drysdale was known as a dapper trolley, charismatic and well respected among town’s folk. His farmland had bordered with that of the Fitzgerald Brothers for some eighty-five years. When a meteorite fell from the sky in September 2009 and split a gumtree in half, an argument over land and meteorite ownership ensued. According to both families’ histories, the gumtree marked the Drysdale/Fitzgerald border. However, the Drysdale word was that the gumtree was known as “the last thing Drysdale before the Fitzgerald farm starts.” At the time of this photograph, Drysdale was in possesion of the celestial stone. The Fitzgerald Brothers denied impaling Drysdale on the street sign and are quoted “the bloke’s a well known drunk and opportunist. I’m not surprised he impaled himself and blamed us. He wants the town to turn against us, to agree that the meteorite is rightfully his.” The meteorite is believed to be worth more than two million Australian dollars, mostly due to its large size and unusual coin-like shape.

Location: Emerald, Queensland, Australia

Submitted by jennifer

“I saw a man seven feet in the air, ay. Will you be alright?” Who is Steve Allen,...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 23:53:00 +0100

“I saw a man seven feet in the air, ay. Will you be alright?”

Who is Steve Allen, really? Is he really Ryan Hardy? Is he really a bag of pears as many claim. One of the more interesting submissions to TK, this industrial trolley comes donned with a cyan spray-tan and claims to be Steve ‘Bag of Pears’ Allen. Now, ol’ Bag o’ Pears is also known for claiming to be Ryan Hardy, a famous Australian extreme sportsman. I (I being the jester and reporter of this currently kingless/queenless Trolley Kingdom; it is, perhaps, the only time I’ll appear in the supporting text for I wish to remain perpetually anonymous, I can’t see through time but I can see through recently cleaned windows) hold memories of a drunk Ryan Hardy/Steve Allen sitting around a Keiki bonfire made of broken stringers and bodyboards, reporting the things he’d seen in January 2005. Steve Allen, human, did mention seeing a man seven-feet in the air. That much is true. The trolley has the memories of Steve Allen, the posture of Steve Allen: is it Steve Allen? Can the Bunbury-dwelling surf enthusiast shape shift? Sent via anonymous text message, this picture appeared in the TK cache with only the words: ‘one side always snaps off’.

Location: Bunbury, Western Australia

Submitted by Ryan Hardy

“I see you baby, shakin’ dat couch cushion.” Couches without a living room...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 20:30:28 +0100

“I see you baby, shakin’ dat couch cushion.”

Couches without a living room and forsaken televisions are the prostitutes of the nature strip. A cocky virgin trolley wants to change things using money.

Location: Dee Why, NSW, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“I will return to the very nature from which I evolved. It is there that I shall improve...

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 20:30:00 +0100

“I will return to the very nature from which I evolved. It is there that I shall improve biologically and spiritually.”

Trolleology is fast moving from cult status to full-blown religious organisation. The basic principle of Trolleology is that in order for a trolley to ‘improve itself’ it must become wholeheartedly immersed in nature. Immersion, as the process is known, typically involves finding a place in the woods and remaining there long enough for ‘the sprouts of grandmother earth to grow through you’. The longer you remain and the more vegetation that grows ‘through you’, the greater the ‘biological and spiritual improvement’. Trolleology gained serious followers in 2010 when a Bateau Bay trolleologist named Thomas Knatchbull claimed to have grown a neck after a thirteen-month immersion. There exists a codex which outlines several ideological and historical aspects of Trolleology, although it is written in an ancient trolley script not yet understood by humans. Trolley historians and archaeologists alike restlessly await the discovery of a Trolleology Rosetta Stone. The codex, colloquially dubbed ‘The Trolley Bible’, is extremely rare with only an alleged dozen in existence. Non-trolleologist trolleys refuse to translate and core trolleology principles are dribbled through the internet to followers by faceless ‘Guardians of the Gyrodwana’. By rough translation, Gyrodwana means ‘the will of the fields’.

Location: Central Coast, NSW, Australia

Submitted by nick pont

“You ever huffed a bunch of used towels before? DO IT ONCE AND YOU’LL DO IT FOREVER I...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:30:26 +0100

“You ever huffed a bunch of used towels before? DO IT ONCE AND YOU’LL DO IT FOREVER I LOVE IT SO MUCH NOTHING CAN STOP ME.”

Motels are known to exploit a trolley’s affinity for used towels. Trolley employees work for free on the contractual agreement that each shift ‘provides ample contact with heaps of used towels’.

Location: Torquay, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“Nice neck, dickhead.” Evolution excluded necks for trolleys. A sweeping number of...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 20:30:35 +0100

“Nice neck, dickhead.”

Evolution excluded necks for trolleys. A sweeping number of trolleys experience an acute jealousy of anything that is well endowed with a metal throat. Freud appropriately coined this anxiety as ‘Neck Envy’. Green for such a neck, this South Melbournian trolley acts out of insecurity to bully a ticket machine.

Location: South Melbourne, VIC, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“I don’t wanna go to school. My ribs hurt.” Pictured here is a bratty trolley...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:30:34 +0100

“I don’t wanna go to school. My ribs hurt.”

Pictured here is a bratty trolley child that was adopted by a human family. Trolley orphanage numbers have increased 110% since 2004 while wild trolley births have nearly doubled since 2002.

Location: Victoria, Australia

Submitted by teresa

“Ain’t no party like an S Club party.” Photographed in some sallow...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 20:30:28 +0000

“Ain’t no party like an S Club party.”

Photographed in some sallow backstreet in London after the 2011 riots, this trolley appears to be either coming down from a looting spree or else coping with post-riot trauma by escaping to a happy place where S Club 7 reign supreme and the streets don’t stop moving to that funky, funky beat.

Location: London, United Kingdom

Submitted by michael

“Come on baby, we never go anywhere.” Trolleys and trees have been falling in love...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 20:30:30 +0000

“Come on baby, we never go anywhere.”

Trolleys and trees have been falling in love since the day the first trolley rolled out of the supermarket. Although an unconditional love, it is a love frought with difficulties. One such problem is the stationary nature of trees and the freewheeling disposition of trolleys. Parking lot lament on the outskirts of Halekulani.

Location: Halekulani, NSW, Australia

Submitted by jillian

“Sometimes I get lonely and I touch my status update.” Despondent, this San Remo...

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 20:30:22 +0000

“Sometimes I get lonely and I touch my status update.”

Despondent, this San Remo trolley considers its own social networking anxiety as its shadow stretches toward the end of an unremarkable afternoon.

Location: San Remo, NSW, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“Luna nah nahhh nahnah Park. You have my ha ha ha heart.” A distressed trolley under...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 20:30:00 +0000

“Luna nah nahhh nahnah Park. You have my ha ha ha heart.”

A distressed trolley under the influence of Tar* succumbs to the gruff melody of the ‘Big Rock Candy Mountain of The Trolley Kingdom’, pouring out its groceryless heart to early morning joggers and cyclists at St Kilda.

Location: Luna Park, St. Kilda, Australia

*Tar - asphalt tar is highly addictive and known to ‘trip’ trolleys for days on end. It is the trolley equivalent of heroin. However, there are no dealers in this game. Users ingest it for kicks during the summer months when the heat melts the streets, softens the road tar. In user circles, Tar is often referred to as ‘black nectar’ or ‘avenue sweat’. “Perfect for lickin’,” they say. They, being parties of trolleys high on avenue sweat, perfectly cluster in the parks flanking the face of Luna Park. “Seems fitting,” they say.

Submitted by canoeface

“Have you only the most essential things?” A trolley and oven couple prepare to take...

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 20:30:26 +0000

“Have you only the most essential things?”

A trolley and oven couple prepare to take bliss elsewhere.

Location: Prahan, VIC, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“What you lookin’ at bru? You want your go, ey.” Good advice is to never use an...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 20:30:24 +0000

“What you lookin’ at bru? You want your go, ey.”

Good advice is to never use an ATM where a trolley is lurking. In 2012, New Zealand statistics revealed that 72% of assaults and muggings at ATMs were conducted by trolleys.

Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Submitted by teresa

“That was definitely best ever, not even joking.” Public copulation is not...

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 20:30:46 +0000

“That was definitely best ever, not even joking.”

Public copulation is not only considered acceptable by trolleys, it is to be expected. Drawn to the warm sidewalk pavement on the Mornington Peninsula, these young love carts trade post-coital praise.

Location: Mornington Peninsula, Victoria, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“Turn left at Purgatory Avenue. If you get to the big roundabout you know you’ve gone...

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 20:30:32 +0000

“Turn left at Purgatory Avenue. If you get to the big roundabout you know you’ve gone too far.”

For a trolley hunter there is no delight more bright than accidentally discovering a trolley so far from any conceivable supermarket that it provokes one to wonder how it got there, what story it has to tell.

Location: Sydney Suburbia, NSW, Australia

Submitted by matheson vaughn

“I love coming here. I wish could share it with somebody, again.” Widow trolley woe...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 20:30:32 +0000

“I love coming here. I wish could share it with somebody, again.”

Widow trolley woe at its most melancholy. Shrunken by old age and held together with tape in rusty and wrecked places, there’s a friend in every ripple on the river.

Location: Southbank, Victoria, Australia

Submitted by canoeface

“It’s not something you get to enjoy everyday, which, I think, is part of its appeal,...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 20:30:41 +0000

“It’s not something you get to enjoy everyday, which, I think, is part of its appeal, but licking rain off a transformer is up there with dusty marble, the back of human knees and fly screens.”

A trolley laps up an uncommon cuisine on the corner of Spencer and Flinders.

Location: Cnr Spencer/Flinders, Melbourne, Australia

Submitted by bearsie